2012 oct 4
Property Ramblings
Part VIII: Encounters of the Tenant Kind
As landlords and agents, you may bump into some rare tenant types where immediately you wonder whether you are on the right planet at the time. Here I've listed out 10 major types, if you have met one type not even on this list, quick go and buy TOTO. (you are really lucky)
1. The good
Always professional and polite in communication. Always uses 'please' and 'thank you'. Always smiles and never frowns. Always pays on time. Always agree to allow you to show the place to potential buyers. Always settles all problems and maintenance by themselves. Boy, this almost sounds as rare as a tortoise with 3 heads.
2. The slut
Same as the above, but always add a wink and nudge and a pinch to your butt cheek while at it. Never fails to share with you their schedules, what they like, what they don't like, their favorite positions (in bed), how well traveled they are (slept with folks from many different countries and background), tells you they only pray to the god of love and favorite exercise is the kama sutra, adds you to their facebook, twitter, friendster, myspace, msn, icq (oh yes, don't be surprised how 'experienced' and 'in the scene for very long time' some of these are)...
3. The slow
Always give excuses and not pay rent on time (or at all). My mother's sick - she's got cancer of the eyebrow. My cat's broken all four legs and need major surgery to attach mine to his. My boyfriend had a car accident and I'm too busy at the hospital day and night taking care of him (by answering every incoming call from his other girlfriends and scolding them b****!). My boss is in Afghanistan and couldn't pay my salary in time. My office's had a plane crash into it ala 911 and we are just cleaning up the place of bodies - where got time for payroll. I've been having tea with the PM and he says we should buy BTO instead of rent... so I'm thinking over whether to continue the lease.
4. The cheap
The house comes with fridge right? Is there 10 1.5L bottles of Evian in there? Can I also have 6-pack of beer... few tubs Ben & Jerry's... Oh I want the Chubby Hubby and Chunky Monkey flavor ones. There are toilet rolls in the toilet cabinet right? The gas cooker tank is full hor? Can you don't cancel your newspaper subscription and let them continue to send please? Do you have fresh milk delivery also har? Oh ya, the BBQ booking is free right? No need deposit hor? Gym need access pass? Aiya... can you make 5 more for me .... pleeeeeeeeeeease??? Can la can la ngggggggggg. Can bring my sis in law, bro in law and families to use the pool right? Har? Cannot ah? No la, who will know right? So many pools here... hehee. And oh, free parking right? Rarely full? That's fontastic sia...! My in laws' cousin's nephews can... erm.... hehe....ehh. ... :P
5. The sloth
'No problem, the tenant is a working professional, always at work and rarely at home. On weekends, love to go out to sea in his yacht and go diving.' said the agent. Wow... good catch.
Then one fine day, the aircon leaking, so you had to go down with the workmen. To your horror... the entire place is...
Now then you realise how little time the tenant spends at home - to clean up after himself!
6. The salesman
This is one slick rick. Always well groomed, always well dressed. From head to toe you can see European sounding brand names. You would think they have their hair gel and makeup on even when sleeping. Avoid unnecessary conversation with this one, as he or she will at any opportunity, try to sell you either insurance, another property, overseas properties, your property, your mother's house, your aunt's house, your aunt-in-law's (??) house, timeshare, holiday packages, cruises, cars, quick rich quick schemes, tuppleware, corning ware, and maybe even a new kitchen sink.
7. The mental
Always looking a bit withdrawn and often suspicious, typical mentals would ask about your previous tenant, previous previous tenant, previous previous previous.... tenants... why they stopped renting? Was this house bought new? Who... what you mean, DIED!!???? here??? Oh it's the pet hamster... wait where's he buried?? The back.... wait.... shhh..... did you hear that??! No I don't want a mirror in the bedroom, can't you take it away..... please..... NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! What's th.... YOU DIDN"T TELL ME YOU HAVE A BLACK CAT!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARghhhhhhhhhhh!HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
8. The hippie
Peace..... Love..... My brother.... My sister...... I love that your unit faces the trees.... I love the condo surrounded by thick forests..... I love it takes 1 hour to get to the main street.... I love the sound of crickets..... birds.... bats.... at night.... I love to take a walk down the stream..... (oh you have a pool? nevermind)..... and skinny dip in the oh so cool water.... (what's the meaning of ... 'long-kang' that you say? is there such a word?) .... microwave? No.... I prefer a wood oven. It's ok I will just make up a fire by the PES.... I see psychadelic colored balconies in this condo.... NICE......
9. The partyhead
'Diew diew diew diew diew.... diw diw diw.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dtsh dtsh dtsh dtsh! Oh... haha... hi it's you Mr Low... I'm really HIGH yeah.........wooooooooooosh.............. what? ............rent??? 2 weeks late? nahhhhhhhh......... it can't be.... the last I checked my cheque was there with the chequebook on the table when my whole gin gang was here for a orgy BBQ!!..... oops I mean orfice BBQ.... hmmmmmm...... the Erdinger was really good that nite ya knowwwwwwwwww......... so we also had tequila pop pop opo popopop ppop non stoppoppp....then they ran out of charcoal and needed some paper..... oh!!
10. The VIP
"No.... it's not Mr Thump. It's Sir Thump. Mind you. Now if you please, I shall take my leave, there's a lot still to be attended to. You may liaise with my trusty butler Naima. She will share with you all my requirements and also the payment details... Good' day."
"Oh wait... you don't happen to have an extra lot for my two limos do you?"
Property Ramblings
Part VIII: Encounters of the Tenant Kind
As landlords and agents, you may bump into some rare tenant types where immediately you wonder whether you are on the right planet at the time. Here I've listed out 10 major types, if you have met one type not even on this list, quick go and buy TOTO. (you are really lucky)
1. The good
Always professional and polite in communication. Always uses 'please' and 'thank you'. Always smiles and never frowns. Always pays on time. Always agree to allow you to show the place to potential buyers. Always settles all problems and maintenance by themselves. Boy, this almost sounds as rare as a tortoise with 3 heads.
2. The slut
Same as the above, but always add a wink and nudge and a pinch to your butt cheek while at it. Never fails to share with you their schedules, what they like, what they don't like, their favorite positions (in bed), how well traveled they are (slept with folks from many different countries and background), tells you they only pray to the god of love and favorite exercise is the kama sutra, adds you to their facebook, twitter, friendster, myspace, msn, icq (oh yes, don't be surprised how 'experienced' and 'in the scene for very long time' some of these are)...
3. The slow
Always give excuses and not pay rent on time (or at all). My mother's sick - she's got cancer of the eyebrow. My cat's broken all four legs and need major surgery to attach mine to his. My boyfriend had a car accident and I'm too busy at the hospital day and night taking care of him (by answering every incoming call from his other girlfriends and scolding them b****!). My boss is in Afghanistan and couldn't pay my salary in time. My office's had a plane crash into it ala 911 and we are just cleaning up the place of bodies - where got time for payroll. I've been having tea with the PM and he says we should buy BTO instead of rent... so I'm thinking over whether to continue the lease.
4. The cheap
The house comes with fridge right? Is there 10 1.5L bottles of Evian in there? Can I also have 6-pack of beer... few tubs Ben & Jerry's... Oh I want the Chubby Hubby and Chunky Monkey flavor ones. There are toilet rolls in the toilet cabinet right? The gas cooker tank is full hor? Can you don't cancel your newspaper subscription and let them continue to send please? Do you have fresh milk delivery also har? Oh ya, the BBQ booking is free right? No need deposit hor? Gym need access pass? Aiya... can you make 5 more for me .... pleeeeeeeeeeease??? Can la can la ngggggggggg. Can bring my sis in law, bro in law and families to use the pool right? Har? Cannot ah? No la, who will know right? So many pools here... hehee. And oh, free parking right? Rarely full? That's fontastic sia...! My in laws' cousin's nephews can... erm.... hehe....ehh. ... :P
5. The sloth
'No problem, the tenant is a working professional, always at work and rarely at home. On weekends, love to go out to sea in his yacht and go diving.' said the agent. Wow... good catch.
Then one fine day, the aircon leaking, so you had to go down with the workmen. To your horror... the entire place is...
Now then you realise how little time the tenant spends at home - to clean up after himself!
6. The salesman
This is one slick rick. Always well groomed, always well dressed. From head to toe you can see European sounding brand names. You would think they have their hair gel and makeup on even when sleeping. Avoid unnecessary conversation with this one, as he or she will at any opportunity, try to sell you either insurance, another property, overseas properties, your property, your mother's house, your aunt's house, your aunt-in-law's (??) house, timeshare, holiday packages, cruises, cars, quick rich quick schemes, tuppleware, corning ware, and maybe even a new kitchen sink.
7. The mental
Always looking a bit withdrawn and often suspicious, typical mentals would ask about your previous tenant, previous previous tenant, previous previous previous.... tenants... why they stopped renting? Was this house bought new? Who... what you mean, DIED!!???? here??? Oh it's the pet hamster... wait where's he buried?? The back.... wait.... shhh..... did you hear that??! No I don't want a mirror in the bedroom, can't you take it away..... please..... NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! What's th.... YOU DIDN"T TELL ME YOU HAVE A BLACK CAT!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARghhhhhhhhhhh!HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
8. The hippie
Peace..... Love..... My brother.... My sister...... I love that your unit faces the trees.... I love the condo surrounded by thick forests..... I love it takes 1 hour to get to the main street.... I love the sound of crickets..... birds.... bats.... at night.... I love to take a walk down the stream..... (oh you have a pool? nevermind)..... and skinny dip in the oh so cool water.... (what's the meaning of ... 'long-kang' that you say? is there such a word?) .... microwave? No.... I prefer a wood oven. It's ok I will just make up a fire by the PES.... I see psychadelic colored balconies in this condo.... NICE......
9. The partyhead
'Diew diew diew diew diew.... diw diw diw.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dtsh dtsh dtsh dtsh! Oh... haha... hi it's you Mr Low... I'm really HIGH yeah.........wooooooooooosh.............. what? ............rent??? 2 weeks late? nahhhhhhhh......... it can't be.... the last I checked my cheque was there with the chequebook on the table when my whole gin gang was here for a orgy BBQ!!..... oops I mean orfice BBQ.... hmmmmmm...... the Erdinger was really good that nite ya knowwwwwwwwww......... so we also had tequila pop pop opo popopop ppop non stoppoppp....then they ran out of charcoal and needed some paper..... oh!!
10. The VIP
"No.... it's not Mr Thump. It's Sir Thump. Mind you. Now if you please, I shall take my leave, there's a lot still to be attended to. You may liaise with my trusty butler Naima. She will share with you all my requirements and also the payment details... Good' day."
"Oh wait... you don't happen to have an extra lot for my two limos do you?"
Comments
Post a Comment